Plan B with Opie

Last night, I was a guest on my friend's podcast called, "Plan B with Opie".  I recommend you give that show a listen.  My homie Opie is pretty funny.  Dude is like a one man show.  He does crazy impressions and keeps you entertained the whole time.

But yeah, he decided to ruin one of his shows by having me as a guest.  After listening to myself on the podcast, I'm pretty embarrassed.  I guess I should apologize to anyone who has had a face to face conversation with me.  I sound like a straight special ed student.  I sound like someone who used to have a speech impediment but is working real hard on annunciating his words.

I guess I should stick to writing.  Judging by my appearance on the show, my verbal skills are horrendous.  But anyways, it was a ton of fun and I hope to do it again.

To find his show, go to itunes and search Plan B with Opie under podcasts.  Like I said, listen to all his shit, its really good.  But if you are looking for the one I ruined, its the one tittled, "Moderate This".

Avoiding Someone at the Mall

Today I ran into an old friend at the mall.  At first it was pretty awesome.  "How ya doing!? Yeah? Great! It's so good to see you again.  We should definitely catch up!"  We then said our good byes and exchanged warm smiles.

No more than 20 minutes later, I see the same friend walking at a distance.  Fuck.  I don't want to have that awkward, "Oh hey! You again!" moment.  To avoid this potentially embarrassing situation, I quickly entered the nearest store to me.  I didn't give a fuck what store it was, I needed to avoid this dude.  Screw it, I was planning on going into Ladies Footlocker anyways.

With that crisis averted, I continued on shopping and enjoying the mall.  Lo and behold, 10 minutes later, I see the same motherfucker and this time he sees me too.  But this time, it's way too late to try and duck into another store.  We both looked at each other, gave the awkward smile and shared a bullshit passing joke.  "You're still here shopping too!?"  Ha-fuckidy-ha.

At this point, I'm sick of the mall.  Fuck shopping, fuck socializing.  Get me the fuck out of here.  On my way to my car, I run into the same asshole again!!!!  This time, we both ignore each other and pretend we are both on our cell phones.  Fuck this guy.  This annoying son of a bitch ruined my day.  It's no wonder I never made the effort to keep in touch with him after all these years.

Hippie Baby

I saw a hippie change her baby's diaper in public. I snuck a peak and, not surprisingly, saw that her baby had a monster bush down there. Damn hippies.

Waiting to Like

When "liking" a photo on Instagram, is there a specific amount of time you need to wait before hitting the "like" button?  There have been times where I have logged into Instagram, enjoyed the first photo on my timeline, hit the like button, then realized the photo was only posted 20 seconds ago.  Now the person who posted the photo is looking at me like I'm some kind of psycho stalker who has been waiting all day for them to post something.

Texting Can Wait

There is this campaign that the cell phone companies are doing right now that says something like "Texting and driving: it can wait." With this, they often show a picture of someone's cell phone with a half written text message because they supposedly died while texting.

The thing is, we all know we aren't just texting while driving. Some people are checking social media, some are looking up directions, and others are being perverts. That's the campaign I want to see. "Porn and driving: it can wait". Then they show a phone with a picture of a booby only half downloaded because the driver died while trying to view the photo.

At least he died happy. Porn and driving, it can wait.

Spit On My Kids Face

Whenever my daughter has a little stain on her face and there is no sink nearby, I do what most parents do: I lick my fingers then rub the shit off of her face. But how fucking disgusting is that?

My breathe disgustingly smells like beer and garlic fries all day long. It doesn't even matter that I didn't eat or drink that shit that day, it has that smell regardless. Now I'm going to take that disgusting smell and smear it all over my beautiful daughters angelic face just to remove a small chocolate stain?

She went from smelling like baby powder, angel tears, and chocolate to smelling like beer, garlic, and depression. What a shitty trade off. Borderline child abuse, if you ask me.

Play Responsibly.

Have you heard the newest Power Ball Lottery commercial on the radio? The commercial makes the lotto sound exciting and hopeful but at the end of the commercial, a man says in a strict voice, "Play Responsibly". The same man and message are heard at the end of alcoholic beverage commercials. "Drink Budweiser with friends, BUT DRINK RESPONSIBLY".

Why is this even necessary? You have to be of adult age to play the lottery and to drink. It's as if corporations don't trust us with our own vices. What if they applied this practice to the rest of our vices?

In front of every buffet line at Vegas, you'd see a sign that says, "All you can eat! BUT INDULGE RESPONSIBLY". At the beginning of every porno, "Pleasure yourself to images of sex, BUT JERK RESPONSIBLY".