Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Proposition 8

I was at the mall today when I saw two dudes standing next to each other, hitting each other, laughing and having a great time.  Since I was in a great mood, I went up to them and said, "hey guys, congrats on today.  With prop 8 getting overturned, today is definitely a big day in history, not just for you guys, but for everyone". As soon as I was done with my speech, their wives came out of a store and asked what was going on.  I'm not us who was more embarrassed, me or those two dudes.

Thursday, June 20, 2013


Thanks to all of you who have been checking up on this blog these past couple weeks even though I haven't posted shit. Hopefully you've enjoyed reading my past shit. My hope is that there would be enough rereadable material for you to come back to and hopefully laugh again.

Sorry I haven't posted anything in awhile. I haven't really felt too creative lately. Too much real life shit happening right now. I have a couple "work in progress" jokes in my notepad, but I don't have the time, energy, or creativity to expand on those jokes. So there's a little insight to how I write.  Whenever I think of anything remotely funny, I'll make a note of it on the notepad on my iphone. If I come back to the joke in a couple days and stil get a chuckle out of it, I'll blog that joke down.

But yeah, I'll try to write again soon. I go on vacation for 5 days starting tomorrow. Maybe that little break will get the creative juices flowing again....

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Day 6 of Juicing Diet

Remember how positive and upbeat I was yesterday?  Well today was the exact opposite. I felt like shit pretty much all day. I think the reason for this is because I see the finish line coming up and I'm getting excited and anxious. The whole day I kept thinking about the things I'll be able to eat again soon....burgers, Mexican food, seafood.....and that shit drove me crazy. There were numerous times throughout the day where I came close to saying fuck it and make today my last day.

Although I was driving myself nuts by thinking about food, all the positive things from yesterday were still there, just muddled by my own self inflicted torture. One of my friends at work kept fucking with me to see how irritable this detox was making me.  I passed that shit with flying colors. 

A lot of people have been asking me if I plan on cutting out all the unhealthy foods from my life as soon as I'm done with this detox.  The answer is a resounding "Fuck no!"  Going into this detox, I was never really overweight or anything like that.  What I do plan on doing is eating that bad shit in moderation.  Eating that delicious shit is part of living, why deprive myself of that happiness? The key is definitely moderation. As long as I'm not shoving burgers in my face everyday of the week, I'll be ok. I still plan on juicing once a day. That quick bolt of nutrients I get from juicing is irreplaceable.

Jeez, I can't wait to eat. Tomorrow is going to be super hard for two reasons: it's my last day and my parents usually cook bomb ass food Sunday night. I already plan on making myself a plate of that delicious goodness and putting it aside until midnight. Once midnight hits and I can officially say I fasted for 7 days, I'm gonna tear that shit up. 

Friday, June 7, 2013

Day 5 of Juicing Diet

So here I am at the halfway point. Looking back at what I've been doing, it's pretty amazing the amount of change that can happen to your body just in five days.  I weighed myself this morning. 9 pounds in 5 days!!!!! Insane!!! This rapid weight loss actually kinda pissed me off. Looking at my body in the mirror, I feel like I have the same body I did when I was in high school. To some people that would be awesome, but for me it's not. I now have the body of a scrawny teenager.  I'm already getting flashbacks of people paying me to do their homework.  I can't believe how fast my muscles (the little I had) disappeared on me. Because of this, I'm thinking about cutting this detox short.  Seven days might be enough.

In fact, I already feel accomplished and I feel like the goal was already achieved.  I can obviously handle the detox challenge.  That was one of the main reasons I did this challenge as well as the super unhealthy cheesecake challenge.  I simply wanted to see if my body could handle it. At least with this challenge, there were life altering positive benefits. 

 At this point in the game, I feel totally normal. If I don't think about the detox, my body feels like its just another normal day. The hunger pains I feel aren't any different from the hunger pains I used to feel in between meals. To me, that's the craziest thing. My body adjusted and now it doesn't even feel pain despite not eating for five days. 

In terms of how I feel mentally, it's fucking amazing. I don't feel drowsy during the day and I always feel sharp as shit. My brain is never doing that, "I just woke up, I need my brain to warm up" thing that it does sometimes. I know it's cliche and corny to say it, but you end up feeling kind of enlightened. The world feels different for some reason. I guess that makes sense though.  Many ancient cultures as well as some existing cultures actually use fasting as a means of enlightenment.  It's like having a natural high, but the whole day. If everyone in the world could feel this way for just an hour, they would realize what you eat really does matter. After eating a delicious burger, I typically feel like shit, bloated, and sleepy. After 5 days of just juicing, I feel healthy, energetic, and alive. Crazy contrast there. 

Tonight I indulged a little bit.  For an after dinner drink snack, I juiced watermelon and strawberries. That shit was bombastic. 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Day 4 of 10 Juicing Diet

Today was sort of an extension of last night.  I felt energized, happy, sharp, and positive for most of the day. The best part of today was the fact that I was never really hungry. I guess my body is finally used to not eating.  I know it's only been four days, but it seems like forever ago that I had my last bite.  I'm not really craving food to suppress my hunger, but I do miss the flavors of steaks and burgers and shit.  At this point of the detox, I think it's more of a psychological challenge rather than a physiological challenge.

Today's juice consisted of chard, spinach, beets, apples, oranges, lemon, celery, and broccoli. It was actually the best juice I've made to date. I heard beets have a lot of potassium.  Hopefully that will help with the cramping. 

A downside of this juice diet is I feel like I have cotton mouth all day long. No matter how hydrated I get, nothing replaces the way your mouth feels after eating. I feel sorry for anyone who has to talk to me right now. I probably have the worst fucking breath ever. To overcome this, I've been chewing more gum than I usually do. 

The worst part of today is actually right now. I had a stressful night and I can't go to my usual vices to make myself feel better. Usually, I'd grab a couple beers or a glass of whiskey and "drink my sorrows away", as they say. If I'm not doing that to help stressful days, I'm eating something super unhealthy because its delicious and I need something to make me happy. Without those two vices right now, I feel like my stress and frustration is just boiling inside. It's crazy how much comfort we find in fucking up our bodies when we are stressed. Some people smoke, others drink, and others eat. Maybe that's why we are a country of unhealthy fat asses. 

Speaking of fat asses....Shopping at Trader Joes, I've noticed that there are way more overweight people shopping there compared to the number of fit people. I have a theory that explains why this is happening. Fat people go to Trader Joes to get healthy food so they will lose weight, thus a ton of fat people there. After they lose the weight, they get complacent and now only a few of those fit people are still trying to eat healthy, thus explaining the limited number of fit people shopping there. Eventually, those who dropped the ball will gain all that weight back and eventually come back to TJ to try and eat healthy again, thus adding more fat people to that initial pool of fat people. Do the math and you get way more fat people shopping there compared to the fit ones.  

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Day 3 of 10 Juicing Diet

Today was the hardest day so far. Around mid afternoon, I was already telling my friends that I don't think I'll go the full ten days.  Luckily, that feeling passed and I actually ended up feeling real good. I think my body is starting to react positively to this detox thing.  There were moments in the day where I felt different, but in a good way. I would describe it as feeling full of energy without the caffeine crash or belly full of Monster drink.  The only negative side affect that I'm feeling right now is leg cramps. Probably need to increase my potassium one way or another....

Here's a question a lot of people have been asking me: do you have massive diarrhea right now? The answer is a disgusted "fuck no". If anything, I'm fucking pooping baby shit right now.  It's kinda weird. I know it's disgusting, but it's you fuckers who are asking me these questions.  Another odd question I was asked was, "How is your libido?"  Well, I still get a tingling in my pants whenever I hear a Taylor Swift song on the radio.  I think that means my libido is ok. 

The worst part of my day actually happened while I was driving to work.  I heard a song on the radio and I was really digging it. About half way through the song, I realized it was a Kelly Clarkson song.  I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I did at that very moment. 

But back to detox talk, I'm getting a little tired of the kale/spinach mixture. Tomorrow I'm going to try chard and radish. I'll probably mix in apples to hide the shitty taste.  Can't believe I've gone three full days without eating anything.  Although I'm still feeling ok, I doubt I'll ever do this crazy shit ever again. 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Day 2 of 10 Juicing Diet

To my great surprise, day 2 was actually pretty easy.  I think two things are contributing to this being a relatively easy experience for me so far.  First, I gave up coffee about 2 weeks ago. Most people complain about having migraines on the second day. I attribute those migraines to caffeine withdrawal.  Luckily, I experienced that pain 2 weeks ago on a full stomach instead of this week on an empty one.  Secondly, I think the detox diet that I did last week helped prepare my body for the hunger pains. If I would have gone from eating anything I want to not eating anything at all, that would have sucked. Instead, my body was already used to the minimal fruits and veggies diet from last week.

I've gotten a lot more organized with the juicing process. So now it's a nice, clean, streamlined process rather than the messy, green-leaves-all-over-the-place experience that I had the first day.  Tip of the day: oranges go a long way with juicing. Not only does it provide a shit load of liquid for the diet, but it also adds great flavor to a relatively bland juice. 

Now for the shittiest part of my day....all this juicing has thrown a wrench into my shitting schedule. Because of this, I had to deuce it up around 11 AM, while I was at work.  Fun fact about me, I can't take a shit at work or at a public restroom.  This means that I was literally sweating and uncomfortable until about 7 PM.  Yes, yes, I know I'm crazy and I know it's bad for me, but I just can't do it.  I'll save that explanation for a later blog. 

Besides that shitty experience (ha,ha,ha), I'd say the hardest part of today was once again going home and feeding my daughter. When you aren't around food, you can keep yourself preoccupied and not think about food at all.  But when you're around food, just the smell of it can seriously cause your body major pain. I'd compare the feeling to how a vampire probably goes ape shit when they see someone bleeding...your primal instincts just want to kick in and fulfill its natural desires.  I recommend staying away from anyone eating anything.  Trust me. The smell makes your day 10000 times harder.